Reflection on Self-worth

From the very beginning of our lives, we search for and gather pieces of information to understand our identity—who we are, what we like or dislike, what we want to become, and how we believe the world should perceive us. Our identity is shaped by many factors: our values, beliefs, personality traits, and the roles we play in our families, communities, and society at large.y

Much of our self-worth is built upon how we perceive ourselves and how we compare ourselves to those around us—our peers, our communities, and the broader society.

For me, the struggle with self-worth unfolded in four distinct stages:

Stage One: Childhood Bullying
As a child, I was bullied for my weight (I’ve written an entire blog about this experience). The way others saw and treated me made me internalize the belief that being overweight was something negative—even shameful. That false belief deeply affected my self-esteem. I started to believe I wasn’t worthy of love or friendship. I struggled to fit in and, perhaps even more painfully, struggled to accept myself.

Stage Two: Arriving as a Refugee
The second stage came when I arrived in the United States as a refugee. I started high school as a freshman with high expectations for myself: to get good grades, to advance to mainstream English classes (since ESL students were separated), to pass all the graduation requirements on time, to attend a four-year university, to make friends, and above all, to make my parents proud.
As a teenager, I placed a tremendous burden on myself. Every time I fell short of those goals—even slightly—I questioned my worth. I felt like I was constantly falling behind, and it weighed heavily on me.

Stage Three: Becoming a Mother
The third time I struggled with self-worth was when I became a mom. Balancing motherhood, work, school, being a wife, and being a daughter felt overwhelming. I placed unrealistic expectations on myself—to excel in every area of life at all times. My anxiety was through the roof, yet I didn’t ask for help, not even from my partner.
I was redefining my identity while adjusting to an entirely new life. Society, particularly the curated perfection of social media, didn’t make it easier. I compared myself to other mothers who portrayed motherhood as all sunshine and rainbows, and I began to doubt myself. On days when all I did was care for my newborn, I felt useless, lazy, and unproductive.
I also struggled with the idea of returning to work. I wasn’t ready—mentally, emotionally, or physically. Leaving my newborn, even for a moment, was painful. But over time, I learned to cope (a story I’ll share in another blog). I was also fortunate to find a remote, flexible job that allowed me to balance my career with motherhood and continue pursuing my passions.

Stage Four: Losing My Career
Everything seemed to be falling into place—I had a fulfilling job, I was present for my child, and I was progressing in graduate school. I truly believed this season of balance would last—at least until my daughter started preschool. For the first time in a long while, I felt I had a strong sense of identity and the highest self-worth I’d ever experienced.
Then came the fourth stage. I lost the career I loved. With that came a loss of stability and a return of all those old questions: What now? Who am I? What am I good at? What is my purpose?

For four months, I wrestled with uncertainty and doubt. But after much reflection—on my values, my skills, and my journey—I came to a powerful realization:
I am worthy, regardless of the job I hold or the title I carry. My identity is not tied to my occupation. I am a whole person with dreams, experiences, skills, and aspirations. I have the capacity to learn, to grow, and to excel at anything I put my heart into. Life may shift unexpectedly, but I remain—living, breathing, creating, growing, and loving. And no one can take that away from me.

Recently, I was listening to a podcast where Dr. Maya Shankar¹ spoke about identity and self-worth. Something she said really resonated with me: It’s much more sustainable to tie your identity to the features of the pursuits that light you up, rather than to one specific activity or role.
She explained that life inevitably presents obstacles, twists, and turns—many of which are out of our control—and sometimes we’re forced to let go of the things we love. That doesn’t mean we have to lose the essence of what we loved.
She encouraged listeners to assess what it is about those pursuits that made them feel alive. What did they love about that thing? Then, she said, be open to finding that same feeling elsewhere.

That message shifted something for me. I realized that while I may have lost a specific role, I haven’t lost my purpose. I haven’t lost the things that make me me. The passion I had for my work, the drive to serve, create, and connect—that still lives inside me. And I can find that same spark again, even if it shows up in a different form.

Identity isn’t fixed. Self-worth isn’t a destination. They are both evolving—growing with us through every season, every change, and every new beginning.